Hash Trash

Romantic love is a need, a craving, a homeostatic imbalance, a drive to win life’s greatest prize: a mating partner.

A red-letter day, indeed, it’s lovely day. In the circle at an open garden, GM Shanghai Man dresses in whole black and in a garland of beer bottle caps, looks a giant priest, presides over a Hash wedding ceremony with nearly 30 hashers. The hare BDSamateur presents the harriette More Men and the harrier Moose Knuckles a hand-knitted bouquet, especially an empty Erguotou flask inside. GM SHM blesses as follows:

Dear intoxicated, we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to join this harrier and this harriette in holy mattress monkey.

Attesting to their dreary and lonely lives, they have now resolved to end each future hash by going home and getting lucky every time without need for self-gratification or technology.

We come to celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joy of sex outside of masturbation.

I will now read the opening prayer, please bow your craniums.

Our lager

which art in barrels,

hallowed be thy drink,

thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

at home as in the tavern,

give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,

but deliver us from hangovers,

for thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager,

Barmen

Bring forth the handcuffs!

These handcuffs are a symbol of Moose Knuckles and More Men sentence to life.

A life of never ending trails,

of shiggy,

of whining hashers,

of twisted ankles,

of shiggy,

of whining hashers,

of twisted ankles,

of explaining what hashing is,

of separating hash socks from white socks

and most importantly of all:

Beers and down-downs.

Moose Knuckles, do you take this harriette for better or for worse, on the rag and in sick with her farts and her bad breath, to have and to hash with until she can’t get it up anymore?

MK answers, “I do”

More Men, do you take this hasher for better or for worse, in vomit and in shaggy, with his farts and his bad breath, to have and to hash with until he can’t get it up anymore?

MM answers, “I do”

Moose Knuckles, please off More Men’s right hand

Please raise your beers and repeat after me.

With this beer, I thee wed.

Both ,“with this beer, I thee wed.”

And with it I bestow all the secrets

Both, “and with it I bestow all the secrets”

Of my trails, checks, and YBFs.

Both, “of my trails, checks, and YBFs”

Of my trails, checks, and YBFs,

A note for the bonded!

RA Heart On steps in and gifts a pair of jady rings to this new couple and each engraved, “success”.

Then GM SHM leads everybody to sing a Wedding Song (melody-Amazing Grace),

Today we wed Moose Knuckles and More Men

We’ve heard them say “I do.”

Give it your best, for the next forty years,

but first drink down your beers.

Drink it down down…

GM SHM addresses,

I now pronounce you harrier and harriettte, doomed to spend the rest of your lives running the hash together. May you go forth and multiply, bearing many new little horrors to fill our trails.

By the power invested to me by the State of Drunkenness, I now mispronounce you harrier and harriette.

You may now moon the pack.

The pack showers them with beer.

This new couple serve 2 bottles of champagne to the hashers. Some latecumers catch up like Little Shit Red Hood, Pickle Boy, Just Kelly and a virgin. Some left early like Dry Hole, Clarke Bent, Bitch Bandit, Just Ragnhild and virgins. The bride MM walks aside and turns her back to throw her bouquet back to more than the other 10 harriettes standing together, which symbolizes a bridal good luck and if a harriette gets it, she would be the bride-to-be someday. It turns out Red Snatcher takes it. 2 active hashers swing back to visit after a long absence, Jizzy Shelter and Creamy Lips come out to drink together. Just Jake finalizes his Hash name hosted by RA HO since his Hash handle was nullified last year. A round of proposal  gingers up, Cheesy Balls is yells out in a loudest tune by the hashers. Everybody is caterwauling to rain bottles of beer on his body in briefs for a bless as he’s on his knees in the circle, a broth of a boy! As always RA HO and all hashers slobber over  the chorus of Swing Low in the end. The most stay for a hearty dinner at Xinjiang restaurant. Although the trail was set faraway outside north 5^th ring road, the public facilities over there have been equipped, such as recycling canal, sequestered woods, housing complex, heavy streets, recreational beach, throbbing eco-park and things. The pacemakers in turn: Dry Hole, Limp Fish Dick, RoadKill, Blow Harder, Crash Test Dummy, Moral Fixation, Breakfast Included, Cock Chain, Cum in My Brum, Shaven Not Stirred, Karate and virgins. Last but not least, if latecumer alone tails after the signs strictly, to be full of beans is a must.

On On…

Pickle Boy
Beijing. Monday,
September 17, 2018