“The best laid schemes of mice and men go oft awry.”
– Robert Burns
All should have known that this would be a crazy while trying to locate the meeting area for the hash outside the Lama Temple. Incense filled the air as Hares Prancing Queen, Annie, and Lucy (what a good sport for filling in!) all waited anxiously at the one of the apparent two C exits. Once hashers were assembled in the intended meeting area, everyone meandered to Aimo Town to set their bags down and prepare for the run. Dry Hole noted that the restaurant was good, but it was in a rough neighborhood. So rough that one night in the past, he stabbed someone in the jugular there.
Annie took the role as the walking hare due to her concussion and stitches she acquired while attempting to climb a gate intoxicated and falling a few nights previous. Prancing Queen and Lucy took off with the running group while the walking group walked to meet Jolly Green Knob. The hash had begun!
The walkers made their way down the edge of the canal while the runners weaved through hutongs towards their ultimate destination, Steven Holl’s Linked Hybrid (Grand Moma). Due to the lack of the hares’ foresight, one makeshift beer stop (or snack stop if you’re Pretty Women), was called on the trail by the walkers, as the runners found themselves at their designated beer stop. Dude where’s my trail showcased his complete lack of beer pouring skills as, in an effort to expedite the process of beer drinking managed to get less beer in the cups he was pouring into than on the table that they were sitting on.
Once reaching the destination, Annie and her walkers (who had beaten the runners to the central element of the run) were stopped by a Chinese guard. Confused by the guard’s attempt to ruin the run, it was evident that Annie’s butchering of the Chinese language was of no help. She allowed others to try to explain while she called Prancing Queen, who was equally confused by the situation. One of the hashers heard over the guard’s radio that there was a group running into the complex! Could it be?! YES!! The running group had escaped the grasp of the guards by simply running past them as they stood in bewilderment.
After Prancing Queen’s arrival to the gate, the situation would be resolved, or so they thought.
“What’s the problem?”
“They won’t let us in.”
“Fuck them. We can go in here. Just walk past them.”
The Hybrid group of runners and walkers then advanced onto the site only to be met by more security guards.
“Tell them that we know we are allowed to go up in the public space at the top of the building,” Prancing Queen suggested. Lil’ Sai Wanker translated to the guard whose response was nothing short of the blank stare similar to that dog who has just been shown a card trick.
The confrontation with the hybrid group and the guards gave the group of runners who were with Lucy the diversion needed and they ascended tower 1 to reach the hash hold at the top. They waited as the hybrid group got fed up and simply ran past the guards towards the lift that would take them to the top only to find out that security had shut down access to the lift.
Beaten, bruised, and cold hashers dealt with the situation in the only way they knew: alcohol. Good thing that this 11k death march still had two more beer stops. Many beers and some canal running later, everyone found themselves back home.
With the circle came not only accusations of several hashers of being sodomites, but also, the naming of two women. The name “Major Crackhead” was chosen for Annie in memory of the drunken escapades from a few nights prior that left her with several stitches in her head and a concussion. A little beer and flour later, it was official.
Next came Rebecca who was named “Doggie Fondue” for her compassion (or lack thereof) of our quadruped friends. A little beer and a metric ton of flour blessed Doggie Fondue into being.
The Hash then enjoyed the amazing cuisine of the night, toasting the hares repeatedly to thank them for the many clusterf%cks on the trail that day.
Major Crackhead + Prancing Queen