Trick or Trail? Either way, you’re fucked.
Dear Wankers, Witches, Walking Dead and Other Unfortunate Souls,
On October 31st, while sensible people dress up as monsters and frighten small children, BOXER has decided to do something considerably more terrifying.
We’re going to Jiankou.
Yes, THAT Jiankou. The wild, rugged, spectacularly inappropriate section of the Great Wall where the mountains are steep, the stones are loose, and the Ming Dynasty apparently decided that stairs were for pussies.
Centuries ago, the Ming emperors built a magnificent defensive wall to keep unwanted visitors out.
On Halloween 2026, four half-minds will attempt to lead a bunch of unwanted visitors IN.
History has never been so thoroughly insulted.
THE WALL OF THE DAMNED
Jiankou translates roughly as “Arrow Nock,” supposedly because of the shape of its mountains.
Which is fitting, because after a few hours on these slopes, your legs will feel like somebody has fired several arrows directly into your arse.
Expect ancient watchtowers, spectacular autumn scenery, crumbling fortifications, and enough climbing to make your Fitbit cry.
Among Jiankou’s legendary landmarks is “Eagle Flies Facing Upward.”
Apparently even the fucking eagles struggle to get over it.
And then there’s the infamous Sky Stair, with sections reportedly approaching 80 degrees.
EIGHTY DEGREES.
That’s not a staircase. That’s a fucking wall.
Fortunately, your hares have carefully considered these historical hazards and concluded that the best solution is…
Well, fuck.
We haven’t actually come up with one.
FOUR HARES OF THE APOCALYPSE
For this Halloween special, BOXER proudly presents four individuals who should never have been allowed to organize anything more complicated than a drunken orgy in a haunted brewery.
Three would get hopelessly pissed, while the fourth — stone-cold sober — would somehow become the prime suspect in the mysterious shagging of a pumpkin.
Even the ghosts refuse to discuss what happened.
NATO — The Portuguese Inquisition
Armed with a Portuguese accent and a remarkable talent for turning a simple hike into a logistical disaster, NATO assures us everything has been carefully coordinated.
Unfortunately, nobody knows with whom. The last planning meeting ended in a pub. Nobody remembers what was discussed, or who the fuck approved the route.
His mission? Get everyone up the mountain.
His strategy? Classified.
His contingency plan? Beer.
HARDCORE OUTDOOR — The Ghost of Common Sense
Rumoured to have appeared briefly during trail planning before disappearing without a trace. Presumed dead somewhere near the first hill.
Some people enjoy a pleasant walk in nature. Hardcore Outdoor is not one of them.
For him, a 45-degree slope is a warm-up, loose rocks are a foot massage, and screaming hashers are encouraging background music.
His favourite words?
“Don’t worry, the hard part is over.”
It never fucking is. And neither is the next hill.
21BEERSCHLONG — Director of Liquid Motivation
A mysterious creature capable of walking obscene distances, conquering ridiculous mountains, and still having enough energy to drink the undead back into their graves.
Nobody knows what happened to the first twenty beers. Some claim an extraordinary feat of endurance. Others suspect a tragic measuring accident.
Even the ghosts refuse to inspect the evidence.
To 21Beerschlong, every mountain is just another obstacle between him and his next beer.
His contribution to Halloween trail planning consists of three questions:
Is there beer?
Is there enough beer?
And who the fuck invited the spirits if they’re not bringing Schnapps?
JUSTFERENCZ — The Reluctant Couch Guardian
For years, JustFerencz has devoted himself to the noble and exhausting duty of guarding his couch. Against what, nobody knows. But that fucking couch has never been safer.
Now, in a terrifying Halloween twist, he’s actually leaving the house.
Witnesses are stunned. The couch is inconsolable.
For a man who considers the distance between his couch and the fridge a serious expedition, Jiankou is a rather ambitious first step.
Just a little walk, they promised. Just around the corner. Just one more hill. Just another kilometre.
His first words on the trail?
“Are we there yet?”
His greatest fear?
Returning home to discover his couch has moved on.
And his inevitable question halfway up the mountain?
“And why the fuck are we STILL walking?”
Together, these four magnificent bastards have combined their questionable judgement, misplaced confidence, and what appears to be a complete lack of a coherent plan into something they insist on calling a trail.
The scenery, at least, should be magnificent.
Four hares. One ancient wall. No adult supervision.
What could possibly go wrong?
HALLOWEEN ON THE WALL
Expect autumn colours, mountain air, magnificent views, and the haunting realization that the next hill is considerably bigger than the last one.
You may encounter ghosts of Ming soldiers, witches lurking in the bushes, zombies staggering uphill, and strange creatures making terrible noises.
Don’t panic.
Those are probably just the other hashers.
And if you see a suspicious-looking pumpkin, don’t ask the Hares about it. The investigation is ongoing.
Halloween costumes and accessories are encouraged, provided they won’t interfere with hiking. Bonus admiration for anyone who manages to look ridiculous while remaining upright.
And remember:
If you hear mysterious voices whispering “ON ON” from the mountains, follow them — provided they’re coming from the marked trail.
If they whisper “BEER STOP,” follow them faster.
If they whisper “JUST ONE MORE HILL,” they’re lying bastards.
THE GRUESOME DETAILS
WHEN: Saturday, October 31, 2026
WHERE: Jiankou Great Wall (箭扣长城), Huairou District, Beijing
YOUR FOUR HARES OF THE APOCALYPSE:
- NATO — @骆培思 Álvaro Lopes
- Hardcore Outdoor — @Sean
- 21Beerschlong — @David SuPa
- JustFerencz — @Ferencz
TRAIL:
A to A, bag drop on bus
MEETING / BUS PICKUP:
8:30 am meet at Dongzhimen Pizza Hut (Across from Paddy O` Shea`s), bus departs at 9：00 am sharp !!!
9:00 am meet at Wangjing West Subway Station Exit C, bus leaves at 9:30 am sharp!!!
HASH CASH:
200 RMB gets you…
-Trail and circle
-Dinner
-Around-trip bus ride
-Bottomless beer
-Water and other drinks
-Snacks
WHAT TO BRING: Proper hiking shoes, water, warm layers, snacks, a charged phone, and whatever remains of your common sense. Costumes optional. High heels and inflatable dinosaur suits strongly discouraged.
Meet Up:
The first pick-up spot ：Pizza Hut Dongzhimen (Across from Paddy O` Shea`s)
站点1：必胜客东直门
朝阳区–东直门外大街27号
The second pick-up spot：Wangjing West subway station exit C
站点2：地铁望京西站C口
D’ERECTIONS:
If you come by subway:
LINE2 AND 13
Dongzhimen subway station澳大利亚使馆对面(Exit C) Ten minutes walk east.
LINE10
Agricultural Exhibition Center subway station农业展览馆(Exit D2) Ten minutes walk west.地铁：10号线亮马桥站西北A口
| Time | Agenda | Notes |
| 8:30 | Meet at Paddy’s | Bar not open, no food available, please bring own breakfast |
| 9:00 | Bus leaves Paddy’s | |
| 9:30 | Bus leaves Wangjing West Station Exit C | |
| 11:00 | Arrive at trail, running hares off, chalk talk | |
| 11:15 | Running and hiking | Options: Running trail or walking trail |
| 16:00 | End of trail | Cooler with beer and snacks |
| 16:30 | Circle | |
| 17:30 | Dinner | Resto in village near end of trail |
| 19:00 | Start back to city | |
| On-after | Our beloved hash bar Paddy’s |
THE FINAL CURSE
The Great Wall has survived centuries of warfare, weather, earthquakes and neglect.
Whether it can survive a visit from BOXER remains to be seen.
So drag your sorry carcass out of bed, polish your broomstick, dust off your hiking shoes, and join us for a Halloween adventure where the scenery is breathtaking, the climbs are character-building, and the company is deeply questionable.
COME FOR THE VIEWS.
STAY FOR THE BEER.
LEAVE WITH YOUR SOUL, IF YOU CAN FIND IT.
ON ON!
*Your Four Hares of the Apocalypse*