In advance I apologize for any inconsistencies, omissions (intended or inadvertent) or black spots thanks to “FREE FLOW” beer and a truly hungover Hangover Hash. Now that being said the big weekend arrived with last minute adjustments and a number of calls to the trusty RA for protection from all ills. We had a full weekend of activities starting with 35 soles headed out for the Boxer Hash wearing Santa hats and red sweatshirts we must have looked like the “Red Army” most would prefer – Maybe we should suggest new military uniforms.
This turned out to be an appropriate reference when at about the 5K mark we found the Hares, MiniMe and Dry Hole standing around. We were tempted to “pants” them for fun but were more intrigued by what was happening back at the bus.
Apparently our beloved Breakfast Included was being held hostage with the bus and driver because our flight plan wasn’t pre-approved and involved passing through a secure area. We were being threatened with fines, etc and being asked to have everyone return to the bus. We let Burning Bush take over in Chinese and seemed to be making a little progress but we would still need to return to the bus but at least at the park gate not the original run start.
This proved extremely fruitful as we followed the hares down the hill to the bus and hopped on, waited 5 minutes and sent the hares back out to mark a “new” flight plan. We gave them a 10 minute start and then were “On On” again hashing in and around the Summer Palace region. The Hares tried fooling the hares with some flour thrown on the river’s “thin” ice but no one was willing to test it except one of our Portland visitors and a friend of Banana Condom, Rear Entry. He said the second step with nothing but “cracking” noises was enough to tell him this must be a “falsy”. We crossed construction on the channels and through newly constructed neighborhoods around the newly opened Line 4.
The Reverend was happy to have all these activities on Saturday as his flight for the holidays was Sunday but we never thought he would be tempted to take off early when on a razor-thin trail high in the hills he tripped on a root and almost shot off into the open air. Quickly recovering and coated in dust and dirt his only concern appeared to be the helpless water bottle now 75 feet below. The hares miraculously gave us a 13-14K run even with all the disruption. Once we had everyone back at the bus we were treated to 10 litres of hot spiked cider care of Dry Hole and XXX. We quickly consumed all the snacks, cider and pastries from Burning Bush and were beginning to transition to beer when we were called “On Bus” to head back to Danger Doyle’s for the circle on the roof top glass ceiling looking down 4 floors to unsuspecting dinners. The long, f&cked-up traffic ride back was full of x-rated banter and drinking ultimately culminating in Adam Starr nearing rupturing his bladder, disappointed that we didn’t take the usual piss break on our way back in from the Boxer Hash. He made an emergency exit and ran for the bushes while the rest of us carried our gear, etc up to the restaurant. Quickly changing into warmer clothes we were up to the roof and began drinking god knows what but it wasn’t free flow Tsingdao (we suspect it was the trailings of a week’s beer and cider draft overflows collected just for us).
Fortunately by the 4th or 5th pitcher we were back to pure golden goodness. The circle got under way with MiniMe mooning the dinners below with his elephant thong only (which we later fund out is the only thing he had on when he awoke the next day to head out to the Hangover Hash). Pony was appointed the role of the Ahma (sp?) which turned out to be a lengthy education process care of Professor MiniMe. I guess he didn’t grasp that he need to not only make sure everyone had beer but also be prepared to drink anytime the crowd called “What time is it?” As the circle got rowdier and louder (thank you golden goodness) we were treated to hysterical stories from the run are of the RA and a number of hashers and as we moved into accusations and the crowd got colder and hungrier we thought this is the perfect opportunity for some namings. With that flour was brought forth and the Reverend baptized our newest:
Fiona “That Funky Shit” He
Adam “Lord of the Ring Jobs” Starr or for short “LOTR Jobs”
With the chill in the air we were on food. The hashers were treated to 4 hours of FREE FLOW and a buffet that unfortunately for Dry Hole seemed to have meat in everything including the salads and fries. We had about 30 more folks join in for the fun which included an egg roulette battle royale as it came down to two prior year champions, Triple-X and Duh Spot. The already destroyed the competition which included Tap Ass, LOTR Jobs and even MiniMe’s sister. Let’s just say DD was smart to have tile flooring. The noise continued until Santa “aka Spiking Santa Viking” and his naughty elves, Penis Envy and Limbo Bitch sauntered into the room. With extremely nasty gifts being handed out, the collective crowd gasped when two small children lined up for Santa. Very unexpected and a potential serious lawsuit – is there a gift suitable for a child let alone 2 gifts. With some fancy legwork by our santa helper Kerri we found the only two that might work and the crowd roared with approval before quickly moving back to dongs and vibrators for the “adult” hashers. Every good thing must end and for us the 4 hours of FREE FLOW was over and hashers wanted more. MiniMe quickly negotiated another hour, which turned out to be one of our poor business decisions (yes I too voted for the extra hour) as the hashers headed out to other bars after about 20 minutes…Well at least we gave the people what they wanted.
Waking up the next day knowing Dry Hole and I would have to set the run, buy beer, find a restaurant, etc seemed possible even in my groggy state. As Dry Hole and I called and texted last minute preparation, I headed back to DD to gather the remnants of last nights haberdashery and Santa outfits. We landed at Tim’s and proceeded to get lost after only 1K and then again at 2K and this just kept going. After a smack to the face we proceeded on and set a reasonable trail for the day. We got back to Tim’s to the growing crowd of 30 plus and some in better shape then others and began taking calls from folks asking if they could still join with such lame excuses as traffic, I just showered off the vomit I slept in, I had to go find my pants at the bar, etc. While some seemed more reasonable than others we figured what is another 15 – 20 minutes and the crowd wasn’t too restless. So finally we were “Open Check” as we had no virgins, presumably we sacrificed them all the night before. I had hash dog Jeb with me and he promptly took not one but two of the biggest shits I have seen at the North and West entrances to the silk market – At least the guards laughed. We headed just south through the Fairmont pink grandeur and eventually up to a HHH outside the south gate of Ritan Park. Jin, the bag car driver was busy buying the beer that Dry Hole and I ran of time to do before we started and eventually showed up and gave the hashers something to do. I headed in to deliver beer to the walkers and to hide some Christmas candy and gifts for our hashers. The local children were very interested so I had to guard said gifts with my life – kids can be sneaky. I finally heard “On On” and saw the runners start their search. Fuck That Monkey made the mistake of giving something to one of the children, which apparently translated to take everything you want. Dry Hole educated them on the “one per child” or was it “one child per family” rule and re-appeared with a handful of gifts to hand out. Penis Envy was demanding something to eat so she grabbed the Snow Balls, cotton candy in a bag. We re-grouped and headed on out but somehow lost I’m Fucking Matt Damon. When Dry Hole called “On On” in the park desperately trying to locate him, MiniMe heard the call and promptly ran back into the park. With things finally sorted everyone was “On On” and we ran through the Place and up to the water feature for our gourmet beer stop which also included Ma Baker’s Stolen (sp?) – Fantastic. While I’m Fucking Matt Damon shot a load of gooey white stuff on Limbo Bitch, even getting it her eye, Penis Envy was still hungry and Fuck That Monkey suggested the chocolate he found in the park. He said it was a huge rabbit with fangs – Dry Hole and I explained that is normally called a “walrus”. With everyone sated and educated we were “On On” again (eventhough Matt Damon supposedly checked 2 of 3 directions 500 meters and found no marks he still wasn’t sure which way to go). We finished shortly after just done the alley from Tim’s and after gathering bags, beer, late comers and changing clothes, LSW got the circle started. We recognized Spiking Viking for 100 runs and in the absence of a proper mug used the Christmas stocking. We also had numerous patches included Dry Hole 125 Run and Dazed and Confused 69 Run. MiniMe began his RA duties and abused everyone in the circle including Ghengis Cum (headed to the airport and back to Mongolia after dinner) who made the mistake of wearing new shoes…not anymore. Spiking Viking in celebration of 100 Runs opted to abuse the Hares and the GMs. With many a good down down and plummeting temperatures we closed and headed on in for food. All I can say is a great meal was had, including a lively discussion of the balls Dry Hole ordered and Spiking finished us all off and the beer as in turns out with a boat race. I hope this does the weekend a bit of justice and thanks to all for coming out and making it a fantastic event.