When its hot as Hades outside, New Yorkers escape to the Hamptons, Germans get their beach towels ready to reserve those sunbeds and Asians crack out the whitening sun cream. Hashers, however, strap on their hiking boots, fill up the cooler with beer and head to the Great Wall for an action packed weekend of hiking, camping, swimming, BBQing, drinking, running, singing, excessive drinking and all out debauchery!
Assembling at Tims, hashers began to compare their camping equipment and quickly discovered that some were better equipped than others. Le Cunt was carrying a tent, song sheets and a bottle of Burbon, Pretty Woman proudly displayed his mean, green, portable grilling machine (which he eventually left behind), Brussels from Brussels bought his guitar and Woodstock spirit, Twinkle Balls had a rugby ball and Rowan had enough sudocrem and baby wipes to start her own orphanage. On the less prepared side, happy-go-lucky Prancing Queen, Doggie Lips and Black Eyed Tits managed to scrape together a blanket, some jigsaw-shaped floor mats and a jar of peanut butter.
However, the prize for least prepared hasher on the camping weekend goes to Kate, who became so flustered at her lack of preparation that she nearly pulled out of the trip whilst en route to Tims, and then showed ready for the beach with a handbag, a pair of flip flops and not much else -wait a second… Isn’t Beidahe where we are going?? – Good work!
One special mention for Pickle Boy who came prepared with a bag of Jiaozis and a bottle of Baijiu… Nothing else!
A non-surprising late departure from Tims was almost stopped by Dazed & Confused shouting ‘Where’s Hungary for Ass? We left him behind! Shit! We left him behind!’ as the bus pulled out of the city.‘I’m right here….’ squeaked Hungary for Ass, sat right at the front of the bus. With a crisis averted and one thoroughly embarrassed GM, hashers were on-driving.
Upon arrival at our restaurant in Huanghuacheng, a delicious meal was served and quickly devoured. Prancing Queen made a few enemies as he threw Chinese bangers around during the otherwise tranquil and relaxed meal, but sealed his fate when he dropped nearly an entire box of crackers at Jolly Green Knob’s feet. FYI dude, don’t piss off the song master!
Not to be deprived of a chance to show off, front walking bastards, lead by Spiking Viking, quickly took off and began to scale the Great Wall, leaving a large number of hashers behind to gather luggage and pick up those last minute camping essentials – BEER.
The wall was rugged and the views were beautiful, and the hashers snaked their way upwards in near silence – possibly due to the breath-taking views, possibly due to a deadly combination of breakfast beers, scorching temperatures and the famous ‘Great Wall leg shakes’. Although it was not always clear where we were heading, the watch tower that would serve as our shelter for the night was finally coming into vision. Prancing Queen was so excited at the prospect of a frosty beer in his new home that he took the rocks a little quickly and took a fall, leaving a sizeable chunk of shin bone on the Great Wall and sending his bags flying. Hashers only realized the seriousness of his injury when he exclaimed ‘Leave the beer! Leave the beer and lets just keep moving!’ as fellow hashers tried to collect the bag of beer he dropped. How hard did he hit his head? We are still unsure.
After scrambling through the window of the tower, hashers took in the views and quickly laid claim to their sleeping spots for the night, with Circus Freak and Bonny Shot putting up their tent in double time. Whilst tending to cuts and scratches, the bar was officially opened. I am very proud to be considered part of a group that can hike for nearly 3 hours in seriously hot heat, and still provide such an excellent selection of drinks including beer, plenty of red wine, white wine, tequila, rum, spiced rum, vodka, whisky, bourbon, baijiu and countless other drinks that were all rapidly opened and consumed. Being the friendly bunch that we are, hashers decided it would be lovely to get to know each other better. What better way to do this than an alcohol fuelled game of ‘never have I ever….’. And by golly, learn more about each other we certainly did. Needless to say, the game became less of a ‘never have I ever….’, and more of a ‘I have never had sex whilst…….’. What did we learn? The Beijing Hash is full of sex pests.
With hormones raging from the game, it seemed like the perfect time to unleash our inner cavemen and get our BBQ on. Ginger Jesus and Doggy Lips got scratched to buggery collecting firewood, only to realize that one hasher had also brought coal up from the city! A delicious feast ensued with an extremely varied menu of bread, sausages, patties, marshmallows, snickers bars, tofu and Le Cunt’s oh so delicious Texas BBQ Original sauce. However, it was undisputed that the crème de la crème of the Great Wall a la carte menu was Pretty Woman’s artery clogging ‘Can of America’, which was an endless tangy combo of tinned chilli con carne, melted herbed cheese and gooey chunks of melting snickers bar.
As the moon raises behind the mountain, spirits were high and the hashers mingled, ate and drank their fill. Brussels from Brussels treated hashers to a taster of his lyrical style, which mainly consisted of a soft whining/humming and couple of ‘OOoooooh yeaaaaaa’s. Le Cunt showed us all how it was done with an emotional rendition of a self-composed song that he wrote to say farewell to his friends state side. Not to be outdone, dear Brussels threw in a few more ‘OOooooooooh yeaaaaaaa’s for good measure.
The seemingly endless flow of booze meant that most people were too drunk to pluck at guitar strings anymore, so an array of ipods were brought out and some block rocking beats blasted out of the watchtower and hashers boogied on down into the night. Well, for about 10 minutes before the battery on the speakers ran out. Oh well, at least we had a gutsy rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey and ‘More than a Feeling’ by Boston.
As the night wore on, one by one hashers began to curl up into their make shift beds and go to sleep. Soon, it was Dazed & Confused, Prancing Queen, Ginger Jesus, Doggy Lips and Pickle Boy bringing the noise whilst the others prayed for them to shut the hell up. With a paper cup amplifier (Is just physics… Remember that Phantom!) D&C’s Blackberry, Prancing Queen’s incessant beat boxing, and Pickle Boy’s totally indecipherable philosophical blabbering, this private party raged on and on. Actually, it lasted about 7 years…
Our beloved Dazed & Confused was having such a great time and felt so at ease with his fellow hashers, that he felt it was time to reveal to the world his hidden obsession. A secret so dark and horrifying, that he had kept it hidden from other hashers throughout his entire time hashing in Beijing. Yes dear friends, Dazed and Confused has an uncontrollable, hardcore, full frontal fetish for Disney songs. Whilst others slept, the likes of Simba, the Beast and Mary Poppins brought da noise. Little squeaks could be heard throughout the night, namely from Black Eyed Tits and Kate as they called out the names of the Disney movies.
When Dazed and Confused and company FINALLY shut the hell up, the sun was pretty much already up and hashers were already looking for their own private spots to take a morning wee. Delicious breakfast concoctions were thrown together, including the glorious resurrection of the cold Can of America, Cock Sourcerer’s proposed ‘Jage and wake’ from his frat days, and Lord Cockington quizzically asking, ‘Why do I always end up holding a weird packet of ham?’
Again, front walking bastards took off down the wall, leaving the true and loyal hashers behind who were nobly looking after our hare’s bags – Kiss My Maple Leaf. ‘It’s f****** hot out!’ he proclaimed upon his return after spending the morning laying the trail. Luckily, Kiss My Maple Leaf and Spiking Viking had scouted out a less trechourous route for our decent, so the walking wounded trugged along through the scorching heat. After a lazy lunch (meal no.2 at our restaurant), some hashers including Prancing Queen, Ginger Jesus, Doggie Lips, Twinkle Balls, Lord Cockington and Kate decided to take a refreshing dip in the nearby lake. Kate was feeling extra generous and decided to give the humble fisherman a real treat by stripping off to her underwear and see-through white top for a swim. ‘It’s ok, Black Eyed Tits will cover me with a towel when I get out to save my dignity!’ Too late Kate, we saw your dignity when you jumped in. As did the fishermen.
Soon after the bus packed with the other less awesome hashers who didn’t brave the camping arrived. Today’s virgins were plentiful and almost all from Texas, much to the delight of Le Cunt. Off we went only to encounter the earliest beer stop we had ever come across. A lovely toothless old lady selling random crap was delighted at all the hashers stopping by, but not for long as open check was called and hashers scattered to find the trail. Many of the campers from the day before were certain the trail would be the same as the one they hiked the day before, so sprinted off in the complete wrong direction. The real trail led up to a jaw droppingly steep section of crumbly wall which went up and up and up. The sweat and tears were worth it as the hares had really found a beautiful part of the wall.
Thankful for the hash hold to catch our breath, hashers had good views of the tower where we had spent the night. After some photos we began to head back down the mountain through sharp, jagged rocks with ankle-breaking potential. Hashers emerged from the bushes looking like they had all wrestled with bears, covered in scratches and bruises. Nothing that a soothing dip in the lake by the restaurant couldn’t solve!
Then to the circle. Well, less of a circle and more of a messy cluster around trees. Those hungry hungry virgins started gobbling down plates of chaofan before we had even begun, and were named and shamed for their gluttony. Highlight of the circle by far – Ginger Jesus couldn’t help noticing a sign from his heavenly father on Spiking Viking’s t-shirt. It was as beautiful as Jesus’ face appearing on a piece of toast, as wonderful as the Madonna and baby appearing on a dirty dish cloth. Yes ladies and gents, it was a sweat stain shaped like a cock and balls.
As this hash trash is already un-necessarily long, We will skip the usual accusations and head straight to the epic 3 namings given by our RA D&C, summarized in bullet form to try to shorten this essay:
- The Nutcracker (Formerly known as Ally) She’s a ballerina, but somehow she’s always kneeling down in front of people’s balls.
- Dr. Jekyll Spank My Hide (Formerly known as Kate) She’s a total skitzo, nice and normal when sober but give her a few and she’s a nutter. Also, her controversially short skirt at DJ Dazed’s set at Souk meant that everyone could in fact see her hide.
- Waiting for it (Corinne) She wasn’t ready for it but definitely waiting for it as she confused all the mis-management when she tried to imply that she was indeed, waiting for a naming.
After meal number 3 at the lovely restaurant and a cheerful sing-a-long of Swing Low, Doggy Fondue’s irrational fear of ceiling fans got the best of her and the almost 60 hashers wrapped it up to head back to the city. Jolly Green Knob, Ginger Jesus and Dazed & Confused, motivated the troops with some group singing for about half an hour, then hashers passed out for some well deserved sleep. Upon arrival at Tims, some headed off into the night, whereas those who couldn’t resist those margaritas used the excuse of – ‘There’s no taxis, f*** it, lets have a drink!’ A likely story…