There’s a famous saying in the English language, which is ‘Don’t sh*t where you eat’. Our hares for the lovely Lord Cockington’s FOYW hash were soon to discover that this phrase can take many forms, as the restaurant where we planned to meet and eat had in fact recently been reduced to a pile of sh*t. The Hares!!! Crisis averted, the hares sent us 100m down the road to a zhou restaurant (that’s the gloopy tasteless rice porridge), where hashers congregated and discussed the embarrassing events of Friday night at Kokomo (aka Kokomo’s Night Warriors). Poor Piles was feeling rather left out as he noticed that our weekly Sunday run was slowly turning into a Hell’s Angels social gathering, with many hashers showing up on two wheels.
Dazed and Confused truly lived up to his name on Sunday’s run, as his fellow hares tried to raise him from his slumber to get up and lay the trail, he exclaimed that his apartment was simply too dark for him to get up and dress. At 11am. Please follow the link below that in fact shows the sun rose at 04:47am that day.
In his confusion, he confessed to some hashers en route to the restaurant that the walking trail he had set was probably longer than the running trail today. The Hares!!!!!!
After the marks were explained with relative comprehension to the virgins, open check was called and we were on-on. Front running bastards led by our long-time-no-see co-GM Dry Hole, whom all know the area well and were convinced that we were heading straight into 798 arts district so took off full steam ahead northwards. However, they were soon to find that they had gone in the complete wrong direction, oops. Once the trail was found, a series of open checks and two ways took us through hutongs, heaps of rubble and a very skinny and interesting bridge.
That first beer stop was a welcome relief to the already dripping hashers. Cold beer was circulated next to possibly one of the worst toilets this hasher has seen in a very long time. Amy decided she needed some tissues but point blank refused to pay for them (shoplifting on the hash?!?!). Visiting Montreal RA Cl1t On made a special bond with the shop owner, Mr. Yu. They happily posed for photographs, compared their bald heads and generally had some good banter going. Thing then got a little bit hot and heavy, as Cl1t On started to admire Mr. Yu’s clothes, asked him how much it would cost to buy it from him, and then even went for a cheeky nipple grab. Before restraining orders were threatened for attempted stripping of poor Mr. Yu, hashers moved on to pick up the trail again.
The majority of the pack was greeted about 2 minutes later by Circus Freak double fisting outside a little shop. Mr. Freak had totally missed the first beer stop, but never one to miss out on his favorite frosty beverage, he created his own beer stop. Perhaps feeling a little sloshy in the stomach department after 2 beers, Circus Freak hung back and, inspired by the poetically beautiful surroundings, enjoyed a romantic leisurely stroll with Snot where they whispered sweet nothings to each other.
The second beer stop would set a theme for later, as the hashers re-hydration was constantly interrupted by cars. Much much (much) more of that to come later! Being out and about with all that fresh air and natural beauty made Prancing Queen feel very at one with nature, as he attacked a small dog and threw beer all over an innocently passing friendly bee. Almost certain that this time we would be heading for 798, most of the hash started running towards the factories only to be called back 10 seconds later by the hares. “But, but, I wanna go to 798! I don’t wanna go that way!” complained Undulator. Her prayers were soon answered, as we were led to the back of 798 by small dirt trails and even more smelly hutongs.
The familiar green locomotive provided the perfect spot for an impromptu Hash Hold and photo opportunity. Everyone smiled and waved at the baffled Bao’an as he tried to wave us down from the train, however he made the wise decision not to mess with 40+ slightly drunk lycra wearing laowai and actually took the photo for us. On-on into 798.
Beer stop three in fact had no beer for a while, but provided many opportunities for hashers to enjoy themselves in other ways. Some tried to make butt prints on the floor from their sweat, some simply relaxed in the sunshine and enjoyed the quirky surroundings. Cum shot went shopping (it was a lovely skirt, but still – shopping on the hash!) With a little encouragement from Karma Sutra to, ah hem, chase some tail, Ginger Jesus and his wing man Prancing Queen spied a nearby Chinese art enthusiast with a decent rack. As mature and sensible guys, they approached her in the most appropriate way they could think of – following her secretly into a nearby shop to have a gawp and her boobs. Nice.
Some hashers took their surroundings more seriously, with Dazed and Confused, Undulator and Cl1t On taking a look in some nearby art galleries to appreciate the local modern art. Well, actually they wanted to make use of the air conditioner inside the gallery, but hey, at least they are supporting the arts in their own way. Pickle Boy was treating us all to his usual incomprehensible babbling about, well, who the hell knows, whilst he was powering up and down outside the beer stop showing us his ULTRA RUNNING. Pickle Boy, you are ultra crazy and we love you for it.
Soon after, hashers were on home for de-sweating. The circle was to take place behind the restaurant, which may as well have been the 2nd ring road on Christmas Day. There were more cars breaking up the circle than Mongol whores at Maggies. Horny on Top had clearly mugged someone as she was seen running full speed into the distance clutching an un-identified handbag. Kudos to the hares for the many bottles of cold beer – very refreshing indeed! The Bakers all returned home (before the circle started) possibly to prepare for next week’s vodka train extravaganza – very excited!
On-circle, where Cl1t On proclaimed Doggy Fondue the winner of ‘quote of the hash’ as she was overheard saying “Once I start, I just don’t stop”. Our beloved Black Turd tried again to scare us all into signing up for the Nash Hash by threatening us with the imminent onslaught of pretty much all of Malaysia. If you are reading this and you haven’t signed up yet, pull your finger out and get on it! REGISTER FOR THE NASH HASH!! SUPPORT THE BEIJING HASH!!
Mis-management gave Doggy Lips her very prestigious 25 runs patch, only to be told that they had actually given it to her the previous week too. Others such as Karma Sutra and Ginger Jesus were rewarded with their patches. A very fond happy birthday f*@# you was wished to our very own Snot, who was showing all the gents on the hash exactly how to rock that Beijing bikini. Sperm Maid was named and shamed for bombarding D&C with messages on Friday night asking ‘Where are you guys?’ and ‘I’m on my way!’ and ‘I’m just stopping for a wank, be there soon’ and ‘Are you still there?’ and ‘I’m about to leave, I just had to baste a chicken’, and then FINALLY declared he would not be coming. Pussy molesters Circus Freak, Doggy Fondue and Doggy Lips shared a beverage too for, well, molesting pussies.
The steady flow of traffic finally prompted hashers to move inside for the delicious food; not a trace of zhou in sight! Poor Dazed & Confused clearly didn’t make any friends by singing his Kokomo composed songs, as he was begging fellow hashers to sit with him at his empty table. Unfortunately for him, most people just took his extra food and ran off. Dry Hole asked us to be upstanding for a sing along to our favorite Swing Low, with a special guest verse suggestion of Scooby Doo style. Cl1t On, what a great call. With that (as usual after swing low) it was time to get the hell out of dodge. A race to Paddys ensued between cabs and bikes, and the bikes happily shat all over the cabs. The usual debauchery ensued at Paddys as we toasted farewell to the one and only Lord Cockington; the beer flowed and hashers were feeling full of beans. The local administration chose to mark this momentous occasion by filling Paddys and surroundings with toxic pesticide. Thanks a lot on Behalf of all the Mosquitoes community and the Paddy’s clientele…
We were also joined by the newest friend to the hash, the affectionately named ‘That guy who pushes the cart full of crap outside Paddys’. Hashers congregated around his antiques, some authentic, some not so. ‘That guy who pushes the cart full of crap outside Paddys’ made one sale, that of a rather explicit set of bamboo carvings to Doggy Lips. Dazed and Confused and Cum Shot helped her barter for it, declaring that they had bought and used one before. Kinky.
So to Lord Cockington, best of luck in the future pengyou. Wherever you are and whatever you get up to we know you will rock that shit. Keep in touch, FOYW!
DL & PQ