At an A to B run, most hashers are aware that punctuality is key in order to ensure that your bag makes it into Jolly Green Knob’s car and meets you at the restaurant. We all know that more often than not Beijing hashers are hung-over on Sundays, and that we come from various parts of the city (some quite far away), but most people still managed to make it on time. With this in mind, special mention must go to Spank My Hide, Twinkle Balls and Antonia for being super late (Pretty Woman lives in Shuangjing too guys, NO EXCUSE!) However, Lil Side Kick and Roger Rabbit were the ultimate late comers, slinking up to the circle after missing the entire run. They claim to have walked the whole running trail in hope of bumping into the rest of the pack, however as of yet there has been no evidence to confirm this romantic escapade.

The hares had laid a varied trail, with great hash holds including rows of grape vines and the runway of Beijing Capital Airport. Doggy Fondue and Doggy Lips truly lived up to their names by chasing adorable puppies on trail, instead of searching for marks. Unlike the Doggies who spent the run chasing tails, Pikachu and Pretty Woman had other fancies in the shiggy – photographing goats. They were caught at the first beer stop skipping off to get some snaps of the four-legged creatures. The nature of this impromptu photo shoot is still unknown…

Sections of the later part of the trail conjured gruesome images of the 90s comedy horror film ‘Arachnophobia’, as gigantic, bulbous spiders sat idly on their webs and watched squeamish female hashers scurry past squealing in terror. Yuk.

After a few very well hidden open-checks that left the entire pack stumped for a good 10 minutes, hashers began to trickle home. The men were sorted from the boys as the trail split into two at the end, with the front running bastards being given the chance to show off even more than usual by opting for a slightly extended final section of the run.

After Pretty Woman tried to flog some leftover Nash Hash haberdashery, and we all thoroughly offended a young family enjoying a Sunday meal outside on the patio with our foul language (ooops), we were on circle. The hares had chosen a lovely fragrant spot behind the restaurant and as the sun started to set and with beers in hand, the accusations started to flow.

Prancing Queen was welcomed back to the Beijing Hash, only 3 weeks after his FOYW run. Ginger Jesus bore his soul to the circle, and made us all aware just how deeply hurt/excited/confused/aroused Prancing Queen’s departure then sudden return had made him feel. Although he had only been gone for a short period of time, it seems Prancing Queen had forgotten some basics traditions at the Hash, including not wearing new choes. He was joined by Twinkle Balls (who seems to have a new pair of choes every week) in christening their new sneakers with an ice cold beverage. Past and present GMs, including Dry Hole, Camel Toe, Snot and Master Baker, were called into the circle to revel in their superiority together.

Fashion on the Hash, a serious crime, was committed by one dude wearing jeans (sorry mate, never quite caught your name!). Molotov Cock was displeased with this and felt threatened that another hasher was stealing his gig as the most inappropriate dresser on the hash. However, Molotov Cock didn’t have to wait long for his recognition, as he was called out by Snot for wearing beaten-up grandma slippers.

Cock Sourcerer voiced his concerns over the economic strife of the Baker family, as Master Baker’s dog Kaka was sporting an interesting haircut that mean two things; either the Bakers could only afford half a haircut for their 4 legged friend, or they can no longer afford an ayi and need to use the dog’s shaggy bottom to sweep their floors.

Once well into the third crate of beer, RA Dazed and Confused announced that we would have a naming. Antonia has been running with the hash for a while now and has sneakily managed to get away with not being named yet. Soon to change! To the chant of “TITS, OUT, FOR THE BOYS, TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS!” , Antonia removed a few layers of clothing not to be doused in beer, kneeled in the circle and received her new Hash name. A few suggestions were thrown around – one particular favourite was Jolly Green Knob’s “Does it at Tea Time”. However, the circle was unanimous that Antonia’s hash name was to be Cock Monocle. Its coz she’s like, right posh, innit.

On food, and the delicious Mexican spread was washed down wonderfully by the endless supply of frozen margaritas. Many thanks to the wonderful Mexican Kitchen for having us again! No matter ho drunk we get, you still don’t throw us out! Over dinner, it was discovered that some hashers were unclear about what exactly Cock Monocle means (with some actually thinking they had heard Dazed & Confused say ‘Cock Barnacle’). Therefore, under the leadership of Dry Hole and Cock Monocle herself, hashers such as Ginger Jesus, Spank My Hide, Twinkle Balls, Sam, Doggy Fondue, Molotov Cock, Doggy Lips and Prancing Queen had a stab at expressing their interpretation of Cock Monocle through sketching on post-it notes. This resulted in a glorious gallery of Cock Monocles, big and small, fat and thin, weird and wonderful, some with faces, some with scrotum, some with some with dinosaurs…

Dry Hole has promised us that his first task on Monday morning was to ask his secretary to scan the images for us to upload onto the Hash website, but we have not heard from him yet. Cleaaaaarly Dry Hole has much better things to be doing with his time than playing around with drawings of dicks. Whatever.

Soon it was time to migrate to Paddys for a few beers to round off the evening. The company was good, the beers were ice cold, fairy lights were twinkling in the trees, the delicious smell of cheesy potato wedges wafted through the air, and F*%@ing Shakespeare’s cries of “You f*%@ing inbred Scouse tw*ts!” could be heard in the distance. What a perfect way to end a hash day.

On On

Doggy Lips