The hashers gathered on a frosty Sunday afternoon in Dongzhimen to celebrate the return of veteran hasher Dick in a Monkey. No one was more delighted than fellow hare Prancing Queen who was sporting a new chin gash for the occasion after a drunken bike accident and a quick trip to the hospital. Undeterred they joyfully welcomed the virgins and announced that there was no walking trail and that the walkers could figure it out themselves. So the walkers braved the unmapped streets of Dongzhimen and the runners were off for what was declared to be a short 5k run. After dodging some crazy old people on bikes, weaving through some hutongs and finding the shortest false trail in history the back runners found themselves at the 1st very quiet beer stop. After some confused phone calls and much searching for Ellen’s baby daddy it seems the front running bastards had missed the beer stop as the mark was on a lamp post facing the wrong way. (You mean you guys don’t look there?)

So after some quick refreshments the back runners and hares made their way as fast as they could to the next beer stop to relieve the now quite chilly front runners. With everyone now searching much harder for the marks the runners began to smell the incense filled air of the Lama temple for a long run down the canal in search of the final beer stop.

Meanwhile on the makeshift trail led by Masterbaker, the walkers were busily kicking a small ball along the route. This unfortuanetly both delighted and scared Beastly Hole’s lovely companion dog more than once as it was nailed not once but twice straight in the head. Ah yes little pup, it’s better than a hole in the ground….Meanwhile Pretty Woman had a bit of the green eyes as he almost took off with an entire cart of beer as well as another dog that happened to be in the cart. Oddly enough a similar scene happened years before in a similar area. Finally the walkers made it back to the Russian area of town where….

A stone’s throw from the restaurant the visiting sister of the late great Doggy Lips proved that drinking runs in the family by having a 4th beer stop with the walkers. When everyone arrived back at the restaurant and after bundling up well the hashers headed to the circle for some welcome hot chocolate and accusations. Dry Hole even proceeded to show Pickle Boy the proper way to wear a scarf on the hash. Unfortunately he didn’t quite understand and instead of between his knees as is customary, decided to wear it around his neck. Weird…

Black Turd was finally given his 50 runs mug and Slave for Shaft was awarded his 10 run patch. Proving he deserved that patch Slave for Shaft poured beer into his hot chocolate to be able to down it before the song was over – he’s a hasher! Dick in a Monkey wanted to introduce everyone to the delights of Dali and made a bong using some regional plum wine and Pretty Woman’s cigarette. Master Baker took a deep breath before remarking “It’s not bad” and proceeding to drink the wine out of the bong after everyone was done inhaling. The Hash then collectively decided to call off their individual trips to Dali. Dick in a Monkey introduced everyone to the term “Party Hats” but was unable to fully demonstrate as Black Eyed Tits refused to get her tits out for the boys because of the cold weather.

The party was somewhat interrupted by a slow police car drive by but after a few quietly sung hash songs it was decided we could stay and the circle continued. Prancing Queen was clearly pleased to have Super Dyke (sister of Doggy Lips) visiting prompting Ginger Jesus to tack on a few extra songs for them, “If your girlfriend goes to England get her sister …”. After everyone was nearly frozen to death there was a cry of ‘On food’ which was slightly misleading as there wasn’t much on the tables. Hey, I guess one-armed push-ups can’t get you everything you want Dick in a Monkey…

After a stirring rendition of Swing Low it was onto Paddy’s for curry chips and of course more beer.

On On!