A Hashful Epic Hymeneal!

Spousal pastor’s address by Phantom

1, Oh, great, watch over, keep Sunday as we get.

2, A young Colombian boy and his cock of shame on on to Beijing and his music, he came the DJ, the tatts, the graphic design. Beijing would give him the shame to shine.

3, But came along the Olympics where athletes were tested along came Full Moon where Dazed was arrested while powder on the street, what can fail? Go straight to jail!

4, A calming influence stepped into his life, little did he know she’d become his wife. Did I say calming? Absolutely not, she was as bad as him, this soon-to-be Cum Shot. She’s as wild as her graphic designer who could forget the circle 69’s er? We’re here today their nuptials to celebrate. Let’s get them shit-faced so they can’t copulate, so hash is for hashers, dust after dust. They’re marrying for love, not just lust!


Dazed and Confused VOWS to Cum Shot

I, Dazed and Confused, in plenty use of my reason (ahem), truly half mind as a hasher that I am, and certainly forced by the PSB (Not really, but sounds cool) take CUMSHOT to be my hashfully wedded Harriette.

I promise (and guarantee) that if there is to be an ORGY, we will at least have a well-known AGENT to procure it, because after all you don’t need to know ALGAE BRA to put ALL IN, in such a fashion! That’s why I also promise that a bit of ASS TONGUE will be in included, even if it means to AUTOBLOW. Remember everyone that a BEARDED CLAM needs a good FISTER (hopefully with not BLISTERS) to make you CUMSHOT and then BJORN AGAIN!

I vow to perform my FILTHY HABITS, including UNDULATED BREAKFAST, as long as a BLOWJOB can COLONIZE THIS. Because I don’t want CHIKEN SHIT around, even though BLACK TURDS are allowed.

I failing to such nature, will certainly deliver to use a CRASH TEST DUMMY for my own benefit (which I will buy in MARK and SPENCERS without being lost). I just hope that at least it is not PRETTY SHITTY and have CREAMY LIPS to get my DARK SHAFT ready for KARATE!

I vow to you my CUMSHOT, to make our marriage a DICKMOCRACY, where there won’t be need to DRILL ME to have a HEART ON. After all a DRY HOLE can EZILY RIDE a FINGER IN YOUR DOUGH in SLAPPY SECONDS.

Perhaps this commitment, will be HARD TO LIVE WITH, but who cares? At least is not a HEBEI HORSE HERPES that can make your PANTS SPLASHY.

That’s why I guarantee HOT CHOCOLATE for my love, so I can at least put JUST THE TIP inside your HAIRY CRACK. Is not Rocket science, but certainly need to MIND THE GAP in such a DANGER ZONE and some MELLON DRAMA to make it awesome.

And I might be a DAZED hasher, but certainly I am not MARGARICUNT enough to MASTURBAKE without a PRELUBED MOLOTOV COCK.

Therefore I also vow to you my dearest CUMSHOT, that NOWHEREMAN might PISS AND BITCH when you and I, do our favorite position, the infamous PIKACHU pose, which always give a special PENIS TONE to  my PEE PEE BEER, how I like to call my RAMBO NUMBER 5.

I vow, my sweet of sweets, that no matter what, I will get you HORNY ON TOP, so you don’t go around bitching like a PRANCING QUEEN. You as the PRETTY WOMAN you are, shouldn’t be around given ORAL DIARREAH to fine LITLE SAY WANKERS with desire of MORE HEAD. Not like others, that think their FETUS ENVY is just a PHANTOM feeling waiting for a RED SNATCHER to come, SINK and DESTROY… when actually PRETTY SHITY it is.

I Promise you, my dearest soon to be wife that even MAGGIES BAR will continue being one of my favorites TEDDY SECRETS, where I can RAM WITHOUT LUBE while enjoying a SHAVED NOT STIRRED – NUT PIRATE, a common cocktails among ROADKILLERS, that might SMELLS FISHY but is just SIX KUAI SHORT! I know is not a 007 drink, but It is aromatic thanks to the fine GODZILLA BUTT provided by those great SUPER SQUITERS that populate the place.

I vow my darling, that not PUSSY will ever NIBBLE my SWEET AND FURRY DESIRE for a WANDERING TONGUE. Instead I will just TAXI RIDE HER while listening to the outstanding PICKLE BOY’S poems, which I know, will release any desire for other Harriette in the world. Even if my GOLDFINGER calls for a CUNT to deploy URINE TROUBLES, because no wedded hasher will ever be happily ever after, if their LIFE OF PEE is not fulfilled.

MY LOVELY CUMSHOT, all this I VOW under this roof: Paddy O’Shea’s our Hash Chapel, where I met you. Surrounded by my brothers and sisters, my Beijing hash family.


November 20, 2016, Sunday, this is a big day for a remarkable couple of hashers, Dazed & Confused and Cum Shot tying the nuptial knot at Paddy’s. More than 80 hashers with long anticipation dress up the Sunday best to celebrate this memorable moment. After waiting for an extra time, GM Six Kuai Shot in excitement stands at the high bar counter to launch a hashful wedding. First of all, asking groom and over 30 hashmen as his groomsmen to get out of Paddy’s for bride’s call-in, and there are nearly 40 hashwomen as bridesmaids indoors. The professional Hash Flash CockaRazzi clicks his high power camera to record the hash-scape. The groom D&C knocks at the door of Paddy’s to answer 3 questions from the bride CS in care of Sweet & Furry that represents to find one another congenial. An exceptionally cold weather seems to test the willpower and loyalty.

Phantom as pastor summons spirit and memory of hashers with leading the one-leg-down hashers to erect the left longest finger for heralding God-given luck, repeating his spousal blessing. Then D&C rides a Pretty Woman’s space wagon and CS sits in to pilot a hashing parade. A handful of empty beer cans being tethered to the wagon’s back are rattling along whilst the wagon starts. It typifies to shake off all bad things as per Western tradition. Small group still crank up a running trail such as Crash Test Dummy, SKS, Agent Orgy, Lost in Mark & Spencer, Undulator, Pickle Boy, Sink & Destroy, Dark Shaft, ChickenShit, Just Dane, etc. Crossing over the busy intersection, embassy area, Sanlitun bar street where BlowJob spots a bull pincher and lifts it to calibrate somebody else, soon hitting the Andy’s Craft Sausage shop for the first beer stop. The hare MargariCunt cracks bottles of beer to serve hashers. Sipping and talking for a break of 10 min.

In a jiffy, meeting up big group of walkers at a lane who already drink at the second beer stop at a grocery. 2 local beggars come along to panhandle hashers for money that seems to has been perpetual Sanlitun phenomenon. The hare Super Squirter reveals there are 5 beer stops on the trail. Horny On Top protrudes her belly for impregnating her a-few-month baby and dances. The runners sweat a bit and change into walking group fully. 10 min later, all hashers pack into XL as the third beer stop. The owner Jane is adept at concocting the White Russia drink for hashers at 25 yuan per mug. A jumbotron is televising the pictures of D&C and CS. Dry Hole officiates at a life essay test between the groom and bride that shows a tacit understanding degree. What’s more, it amuses hashers on the spot. While Phantom is going to speak something, Jane nimbly jumps on the long table to announce to provide 5 bottles of champagne for hashers on the house. CR mentions her of double-face distinctly. Indeed, many saw her extreme face to some people before, either from painful life pressure or down-to-earth reality or cognitive impairment of human nature. So far Jane all the time treats hashers with goodness. In any case, thanks Jane for hashers. After 15-min walk in a hutong, at a small shop, reaching the fourth beer stop. Phantom videos hashers and shouts, “American challenge” in fact, it has become a mannequin challenge for minutes. What a human behavior art hashers do! Another couple SKS and Godzilla Butt move to smooch. The hashers halo the trail to come back to the Paddy’s. DS’s meter maps out a whole trail in shape that looks like a dancer and totals 4.1 km. The celebration is arranged before Paddy’s.

The pastor Phantom hosts a wedding celebration circle. The hare and best man Pikachu ushers the bride CS arm in arm who holds a bunch of white rose from Paddy’s to the groom D&C in the circle and then sit down a bench next to 8 cases of beer. GM SKS awards Pikachu and Ass Tonguer the running patch respectively. Phantom gifts a pair of bike saddles to this new couple and this newlyweds pledges their troth each other. The groom D&C ‘s vow demonstrates a great hashful way. Finally the hashers use the sprayer to spray the color strips over and two of them for a blessing, in tandem with Just Dane getting into kneeling down semi-nakedly for a direct naming called Shanghai Man with a violent storm of cold beer baptism from the hashers. In the freezing evening, most hashers line up a wedding food supplied by PW’s craft sausage. Phantom, SKS, PB and DH delivers a speech each. And hashers taste the wedding cake. The Paddy’s then provides a dance game to entertain the hashers till midnight. Hereby sincerely congratulate Dazed & Confused and Cum Shot on the happy marriage and keep Casimir effect any time. Like the golden words on the window of Paddy’s, “we are married”.

The other attendant hashers: Bearded Clam, Pussy Nibble, DickMocracy, Algae Bra, Blister Fister, Lick It To Ride, Just The Tip and his girlfriend, Anything Goes, Danger Zone, Ezy Rider, AutoBlow, AutoBlow Pa, Mussels From Brussels, Finger My Dough, Red Snatcher, Creamy Lips, Shaven Not Stirred, Clift Behind, Taxi Rider Her, Taxi Mom, Phantom Menace, Damage Good, PreLubed, Just Justin and his girlfriend, Drill Me, Kiss My Maple Leaves, Black Turd, Hard To Live With, Karate, Duh Spot and his family, Hunting For Head, Comes More Often, I’m Not Gay and his daughter, Short Shift and his wife, What The Fluff, All In, Just Mia, What’s Up Cock, Just Han, Rambo Number Five, Oral Diary, and unbeknownsts.


Make the Hash Great Again

Saturday morning, about 10 o’clock, the Rayleigh scattering smites the sky blue. Around 30 hashers gather at XL for Boxer Hash #154. Some enjoy a dulcet breakfast at XL. Even though Phantom and Taxi Ride Her don’t go for Boxer, still come up to stay with hashers for a while and help carry the containers of beer up to the Hash bus. Boxer GM Sink & Destroy organizes the hashers to be bound for Fangshan district southerly. At noontime, getting to the running site of A to B. I Am Not Gay is curious, “I heard Beijing has been winter time. This morning 5 o’clock 30 minutes, just arrived in Beijing. Right now feel so warm.” GM S&D moderates a start point for explaining some flour marks by the 2 hares Hairy Crack and Silky Fag. However almost are there 50% virgins. Once GM gives an order for Open Check, the hashers gallop off on an open road.

In two shakes, a voice calls for On On at the fore. On left athwart a little river bridge, along the dirt road to move forward into a wilderness. The dense withered low plants slow down the pace of hashers. Suddenly Pickle Boy’s leg drops into a hidden hole covered by thick shrub and scratches his right knee. When pioneering out of the brown winterkill, before hashers’s very eyes, an expanse of pebbles route, there is a majestic viaduct where a locomotive drives past. Meanwhile a hasher makes a calling across the brooklet, nevertheless a half-a-meter-wide pipe is spanned over the brooklet with height of 3 meters and length of 20 meters as the leap of faith. It’s a kinda challenge to some hashers, specifically with dread of heights. Some quit it and ford the brooklet like Dry Hole, S&D, Nut Pirate and virgins. Scooting through a small village and a railway. At a mark of Open Check, stopping for a short time due to a false call from Just The Tip. All at once a campagnard old woman yells to prevent the hasher from climbing the mountain because the mountains have been closed in winter for avoiding fire accident. Some local hashers break down her that hashers don’t smoke and just pass through quickly.

Just Mia locates a chalk mark on the cement path and the hashers in one’s own right shortly scale a hillock being blanketed by dry thorny shrubbery for 10 minutes and descend on the other hillside. Just Ber acclimatizes herself to the jungle and dashes down fast. The spiny twigs drag the clothes sometimes. When being through 2 bamboo shabby pavilions, speaking a zombie world. Bearded Clam’s body has been penetrated with some barbed plant small balls. When landing the flat, turning left into and zigzagging through an inhabited village to climb another hill. The persimmon trees hang with yellow fruits. A beaten path leads up a meandering trail and hearing a call from Mussels From Brussels in the front. Now and then turning around Hunting For Head on the hunt for the mark alone. While finding a mark at a junction, PB recognizes it’s an old path. HFH puzzles, “I never remember the trail”. With a try, double-checking the trail until seeking out a real trail and then running down the hill. Going by a village, there are 5 bulldogs barking at hashers terrifyingly and then crossing a bridge that’s crossed the trail by the hares. A straight trail with clear flour signs down to an open square. All hashers have come back including some walkers. The supplies relax hashers like the iced beer and soft drinks in containers, 2 thermos of hot chocolate, a bottle of tequila and a bottle of white wine, 2 bags of snacks and crackers. Seeing that IANG’s gummy left angle is being cooled down by a bag of ice that he got sprained. Herr Splashy Pants supported by Algae Bra is that his right foot was pierced by a broken tree limb and bound up with gauze has to tilt in the air. After a long break, No Beer Required shows up as a last one and screams, “it’s a dangerous trail!” no too far away, the soupy smoke is polluting the air from a not faraway corner.

B GM S&D does the honors for a show in a sonorous voice. A bevy of virgins are hailed out to stand ass to ass. When answering where the self is from, some local girls follow suit to say I’m from here. BC puts on a Beer Bitch dressing to serve hashers, but if requesting for beer, should call, “what is the time now” and there is not Boxer song and can brush the bags and hats aside in the Boxer circle. NP cannot wait to “accuse” many hashers as if he’s a cock of the loft. Nowhere Man wears his white capital hat whoops. The locals and security guards curiously approach to the hashing circle to watch like one o’clock. The hare SF like a comedian harps on the skits. The injured 6-7 hashers come out to drink together for a hurt trail. Perhaps they sacrificed for the Make The Hash Great Again. The young virgin like Just Griffin and Just Morgan guffaw. ChickenShit pitches an “accusation”. Karate is pestered by a local spadger for taking group photo with Western hashers. B GM S&D screens out Just Lisa for her naming. After a round of nominations and her stories, Danger Zone is known as her Hash handle. A tad of beer and a fistful of flour over her head whip the naming ritual into ballast of custom. All hashers with good appetite dine on the local food in a spartan restaurant. Those called they are from here, none of them from Beijing but from other cities in China. PB discloses there is only derogatory sense for nerd in Chinese language. Under the cover of darkness and the heartsome Hash songs from DH on the bus. During the pee time of midway, super-happy Just Daniel has to unload his potency by throwing up on the road. The hashers return to the XL about 9 pm. Just in time that Horny On Top holds her Baby Engagement party. Some congratulate her and cheer up for her new life late.

The Super Moon Hash #104

Wednesday night, at 8 pm or so, approx, 15 hasher hash from restaurant nearby Paddy’s. Not Shit Sherlock hand-codes the flour marks on the ground for a starting circle hosted by FM GM Sweet & Furry simply. Blister Fister volunteers to go for the first haring. 10 min after, hashers chase his footprint in the dim and busy street. Hairy Crack and Just Daniel are hectic to ferret out the marks ahead. On a footbridge in the shadow of the Work Stadium, a mark of Open Check jacks the hashers around for a while and still perking along and striding over a hustling crossing northward. Just Lisse and her virgin Just Kim beat it on the right track until fetching up the first beer stop on sidewalk. And the others catch up one after another. 3 walkers like Karate, Six Kuai Short and Lick It To Ride bringing Ponyo. Just Han appears out of nowhere. Dark Shaft comes forward to be the second haring. 10 min later, the hashers cannot help hit the road. On right and left into passing by Jing A bar to north and turning right a tiny dark alleyway that’s Just Malcum clearing the way.

At the Supermarket Heaven bar, the hashers check in a bustling fork for a rough time. Pickle Boy is rapid-fire to grope any branch, but the more fast, the more losing the way. When coming back to the original road, the others have gone. At the 4 corners, having to check every single way. The matter of fact, the mark is that’s the wrong direction of a Two-Way to point out a Sanlitun crossing. After sweeping out all fake trails in Sanlitun, and realizing to miss the second beer stop, just one way is left to go for north. Bursting into a mind to feel a reality. The more tough time, the more depending on the solo sobriety. Afterwards pinpointing the mark to pass by Paddy’s and remain in detecting the east via 2 crossings and turning left to the south to loop back to the home restaurant. The circle is getting going in front of the restaurant. FM RA LITR in his grey wolf hat with long earmuffs proceeds a Hash pray with the hashers iterating his words. All hashers sip the mulled wine.

3 hares are called in for a drink. The third hare is S&F. Super Squirter as latecomer turns up. BF’s Hash songs go a long way toward the live atmosphere. All In steps in for her double birthday according to Chinese farmer’s almanac, it’s not too much locals following, though. The staff of restaurant pushes the circle before their chef is off from work at 10 pm. FM RA LITR announces to name Just Malcum with a heated argument, Slappy Seconds eventually is committed to his new journey as he kneels down in the circle dressing a short pants only, and a mixture of beer and flour is poured on his head and body for a blessing with The Hasher Song by the hashers. Ex more, all hashers howl up to the lights in the building opposite the street in the cloudy sky although it’s called a super moon night of late. The most rush into a private room to wolf down a full table of local food and discuss a lot about the wedding style for Dazed &Confused and Cum Shot. Mind The Gap joins the last part as the latest comer. Then Just Han drives his car to send several hashers to XL for a glass of drink. Anyhow tides never exceed 2 inches.

On On…

Pickle Boy

Beijing. Wednesday,

November 23, 2016