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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

It is a cold, polluted Beijing day presumably ending in y and hashers struggle to consciousness with a hangover. While the previous night’s debauchery still trickles in their blood stream, they slowly make their way back to XL Bar & Restaurant to resume doing what they know best: drinking.

Some of them never left; namely Phantom who apparently lost his phone and/or child – no one really knows. Dry Hole, sprouting a Santa hat, declares he feels great since his breakfast was whiskey, while Finger my Dough wraps everyone into the snuggliest burrito of cotton, the newest haberdashery hoodie. The new Hash Cash, Danger Zone, still all sweet and virginal, asks for people to pay up as soon as they arrive and somewhere, Herr Splashy Pants is sighing with relief.

Minutes and minutes of waiting have hashers wonder if they should be masturbating instead but Blister Fister jiggles his cock of shame encouragingly, as if on cue for Six Kuai Short to walk in 15 minutes late with Charlie. After failing to explain the marks to the one virgin soul who had nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon, the hares – all four of them, Sweet & Furry, Lick It To Ride, Dickmocracy and Dark Shaft are blessed by the newly appointed RA Heart On, and the hash is off: there are three different trails this time; the running trail, the walking trail and a very ambitious biking trail – led by Dark Shaft, shining neon green in the front, and Sweet & Furry.

Wading through the familiar streets of Xindonglu and Gongti, Karate, Blister Fister, Finger My Dough, Phantom, Phantom Menace snoozing in the pram, Taxi Ride Her with Taxi Mama, Algae Bra, Just Bernard, Just Mia etc, follow Dickmocracy to the Worker’s Stadium. Conversation swifts to the thrill of at least once in a lifetime chanting ‘Guo’an!’ along with the Chinese crowd inside the stadium as the beer stop comes into view. Beer!

With most of the raciest bastards joining Dark Shaft’s trail of wonders and rest of them too hangover to do anything but walk and stay hydrated (utterly shameful), the runners sort of became an intangible concept on this hash. Nevertheless, in perfect timing, a flushed Lick It To Ride arrives, as well as Heart On, Danger Zone, Chickenshit etc and whoever else ran I don’t know I was a walker;;;. Just Bernard smokes a cigarette and Heart On snaps a few pictures. Phantom is saying something in that Australian accent the rest of us only pretend to understand. Everyone semi-wonders about the bikers but it’s obvious the trail includes a brief stop at Changping.

When Super Squirter and Shaven not Stirred join as latecummers and the bikers finally return from Narnia it’s time for the promised challenge: Downing their beer, Herr Splashy Pants, Dry Hole, Lick It To Ride, Dark Shaft and Pickleboy ride off for a lap around the stadium. The sweet triumph victory brings goes to a smug Herr Splashy Pants (he didn’t say eat my dust Dark Shaft but he was thinking it. We know) and for a while people start thinking that Pickleboy might have ridden into a wormhole in the area left unattended but in the end, he reemerges, also triumphant, to finish the race. The second round winner is Chickenshit, leaving Just the Tip, Finger My Dough, Lost in Marks & Spencer and margaricunt all flushed and panting behind him.

It’s a good location for a Hash Hold and Heart On snaps away.

At the second beer stop, Super Squirter and Algae Bra nonchalantly munch on street food while standing on top of a dead mouse and then proceed to share it with others. Beijing is magical. Anything Goes arrives on her bike, cold and in evident need of beer, and Finger my Dough laments his decision to join the bikers.

On the third leg of the trail the walking hare, Dickmocracy forgets he has a group of tipsy and hungry hashers to lead back to beer when he gets distracted by a first person shooter game while walking through SLT Soho (in full sync with his cohares who somewhere, somehow abandoned the only virgin of the run). Blister FIister approaches excitedly and after a series of flailing and ‘It’s not calibrated!’ from Dickmocracy, Finger My Dough gives it a try. The sights taken by Super Squirter could very embarrassingly fit into an episode of ‘Just for Laughs’. When a crowd starts to form it’s finally time to move on to the restaurant.

Night haze settles in and the circle is conducted in great success as Dry Hole put too much faith into a bunch of drunks to be able to read and sing the Christmas songs he put up on the wechat group so everybody can do exactly the thing they’re not doing. Agent Orgy and All In are called in with the rest of the latecummers to down their beer. Karate, Roadkill and Danger Zone accept their badges for 111, 10 and 10 runs respectively while Heart On continues to call forgetful owners to peak into her Bag of WondersTM. Many a down down later, shivering in unison, the hash gives Dark Shaft the warmest of fuck offs, swings low and goes in peace.

On on…

Algae Bra
Beijing
Friday, December 16, 2016